can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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