i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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