my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize