So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
