Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I smell stomach acid.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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