Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
