if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize