Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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