No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Randomize
