if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
