Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
