My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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