i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
