Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
