dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
