Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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