I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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