Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
