I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
