My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
