last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
