I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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