he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you will always have a special place in my vag
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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