I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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