2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
