non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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