My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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