How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
