I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
