I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize