I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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