Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
