u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
