Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
