Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
