i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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