dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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