Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
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