:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
