I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
