i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
