he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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