I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I said "one day" and that day is not today
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
