and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
