I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
