What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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