i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
