Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
