I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish I only lived at night.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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