Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
