Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
