you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
