I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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