What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
