Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
