that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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