I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
