Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
