Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
