I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
